Came to me almost fully formed as I am dealing with this new normal, sleepless and thinking about when I first noticed symptoms of Ehlers-Danlos or POTS as an adult. You can see EDS in my user picture at aged two (or earlier?), and I remember POTS symptoms in my teenaged years, but, I wondered, when did I noticed my long walks being curtailed in adulthood? Work becoming difficult? Then I remembered this Fourth of July, where I was shamed accidentally-on-purpose not quite out of earshot by people who knew better. Yes, this might be one of the more dramatic first times.
Fourth of July
Sylvia’s shore
The sky opening up with flowers of light
The sky lowering like a trap
I felt the storm approaching of choking
Closed throat
I might die this time
I might die every time
I asked you to hold my hands
Touch the only thing to ground me
and trap the fireworks of panic adrenaline
Memories trapped in my body
I did not know yet that I am the archer
You rocked back on your heels and looked at your family instead of me
Not here you said
You’re okay you said
Meaning you don’t want to clasp hands like kindergarteners London bridge is falling down
But it is and I need you to catch it
You promised
I walk away to catch it on my own holding my throat
feeling a shift as dangerous flowers explode overheard
A difference
Vertigo
Brain zaps
Pain
Things are changing in my body
I don’t think anything is wrong with her
This isn’t just panic
Sudden fatigue I go leaden under the petals
She just does this for attention
I walk away from your family’s definition of me into the dark
Away from the garden towards the rocky shore
Where Plath walked with her father as a child
To the soundtrack of war
I laboriously climb the staircase to our apartment
And shed my ridiculously festive flag shirt in the guest room
Strangely I can breathe again
My mind is as deep dark and unknown as Winthrop Bay tonight
I can still hear the flowers of combat
That means you’re not home yet
That means I have time to not think (to not mask yes I know that's what it is called now yes I know who I am now)
12.10.23